April 2004

Thursday, April 29, 2004
In the Papers
In the News (a few days ago)
At work to day while on my lunch break I came across a copy of The Times. Now I don't usually read newspapers as they are always full of depressing news like War, Plague, Terrorism and George Bush. Even stories about Global Warming depress me. I seems the world is going to come to an end in 2050. As it is unlikely that I will live to be 107 years old it would appear that I am going to miss the second most important event in the world's history. I missed the first by 4.5 billion years and now I am going to miss the 2nd by 25 years. It's not fair.
Any way the first story I read was about the Archbishop of Canterbury having a go at Dictator Blair and that cheered me up no end. Go for it Bish, but try not to end up like one of your predecessors.
The 2nd story was the one about the woman who managed to steal £4 million from her dead rich bosses. They were so rich that they didn't even miss it. What depressed me so much about this story is here was some one who found a way of turning her job into a complete gold mine but instead of hiding it in a garden gnome (Swiss veriarty), then going into work one day and telling everyone she had been diagnosed a Manic Depressive and were moving to Manchester (so her surroundings could match her mood) she all but told every one. Talk about Spend! Spend! Spend! It's no good doing something bold, imaginative and illegal and forgetting the 11th commandment. Don't wait about to get caught; move to some Central American country and then live in luxury for the rest of your life. Not in jail for the next 10 years.


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Stopping a bus from the outside.

IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP:- PUT YOU HAND OUT.
No, not you dear reader, the person at the bus stop.
I don't want to stop, I want to keep going so I can get to the terminus and have a smoke. Stopping means I face the probability of being asked hard to answer questions like 'How much is it to Brixham?' or 'What time is the last bus?'or 'Where were the last 3 buses?' The passengers on the bus don't want me to stop, they just want to get where they are going as quickly as possible without some vastly overweight person who smells getting on the bus and sitting next to them in the only empty seat on the bus. The car drivers behind don't want me to stop as they will have to check their mirrors, slow down, signal to the drivers behind and the pull out in the face of car drivers coming the other way who also don't want me to stop. The car drivers half a mile back down the road don't want me to stop as it means the will have to risk life, limb and the nearside of their car trying to get past me as I put on a right turn signal and pull straight out in front of them with total disregard for the fact that they have speeded up to 50 mph in a misguided attempt to get in front of me. Who can blame them, even I don't like travelling behind a bus?
So you are the only person on the face of the planet who wants me to stop. Put some effort into getting me to stop. Lie in the road, take all your clothes off and hold a big sign with 'Please Stop' written on it, or just put your hand out.
PS These methods of getting the bus to stop are not guaranteed. There are some bloody minded bus drivers out there who will find any excuse to stare in the rear view mirror from the moment they see you at the stop until they are well past you. Sorry about that.