Wednesday, 8 February 2006

Breath Test

I went into work the other day and the controller took one look at me and said, "Breath Test for you, mate."
In no time at all I was in the managers office with a witness and the controller and blowing into a little white box that counted the air molecules and the alcohol molecules and did a little division sum to see exactly how much breath there was in my alcohol. As it turned out there wasn't any, alcohol in my breath that is.
We have had random breath tests at work for about 6 years now just to make sure we arn't putting Tennent's Extra Strong on our cornflakes, and I, like everyone, drivers, fitters, cleaners, office staff and right down to the Managing Director gets their name pulled out of the hat from time to time. Well actually its the Pay Roll computer in Stockport that does it. So far I have been tested about 10 times now and the result is always the same; Zero. Three is the point at which the brown guey stuff hits the fan and so far I am not aware of anyone reaching this figure. Not to say no one has, I just haven't heard of any one hitting the jackpot.

The first time I was breath tested was lots of years ago, I was driving home from Yorkshire to Manchester where I lived in those dim far off days. I was driving over the Motorway that goes over the Ship Canal, it was called the M62 then but I think it has been renamed now. The car was a Ford Capri, no two body panels were the same colour and it was 2 am on a New Year's morning. The police stopped me just over the brow of the bridge, 250 feet up with a wind coming in with Siberia written in in large very cold letters. Now I had been in the pub but had been on coke, no not that kind,the kind you drink. Some one kept buying me pints of bitter all night and I kept saying I was driving and he kept saying, "You'll be alright. The police are all out looking for the Ripper." So at the end of the night there were 6 pints on the table. As it was New Year's Eve and it seemed a shame to waste it all I drank half a pint to wish every one all the best.

After the police checked the colour of the crystals and decided I was well under the limit they asked to see my licence which I didn't have with me. They then asked if the other person in the car knew my name and address. When I agreed that he did one of them knocked on the window. Now he had been drinking and was fast asleep. It took several knocks to wake him and when he finally opened the window it took a little while for the policeman to get him to understand that he wanted the name and adress of the driver. He finally turned to the drivers seat and looked vacantly at it and then felt about for a while and turned back to the policeman and said, "No f*****g driver." and shut the window and went back to sleep.

The policemen looked at each other and at me and one of them said, "Best if you don't let him drive."

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