Friday 29 December 2006

Why I love Bus Driving

A Play in Two Acts
Main Player
A Bus Driver
Two Supporting Players
Her
Him
Assorted Bit Players

Scene 1
There are two buses heading into Torquay from Newton Abbot. When both buses reach Torquay Harbour both drivers will go for their meal break. It is vitally important that the front bus gets to the Harbour first as the driver has a piece of equipment required by the relief driver of the second bus. There is heavy slow moving traffic as they approach Union Street at the top of town. The first bus pulls in at the stop where a bit player and Her and Him wait. The driver smiles with some relief as the second bus in now visible in the rear view mirror. The bit player boards the bus and presents a dayrider ticket which the driver conscientiously checks. It is OK and the bit player goes and sits down
Her “Do you go to Brixham?”
Driver “Yes.”
Her (to Him) “It goes to Brixham.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ”How much does it cost?”
Driver “ Single or return?”
Her (to Him) “Single or return?”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ How much is single?”
Driver “£2.80”
Her (to Him) “£2.80.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “Each?”
At this point the next bus has appeared at the top of Union Street.
Driver “Yes, or £4.00 return”
Her (to Him) Yes or £4.00 return.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ” We have OAP passes.”
Driver Gritting teeth “It’s free then.”
Her (to Him) It’s free with our passes.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ They’re from Rotherham.”
At this point the bus behind comes along side but does not stop.
Driver “ Then it is £2.80 single or £3.50 return.”
Her (To Him) £2.80 single or £3.50 return.)
The other bus has now gone past.
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ”So it will be £7.00 for both of us.”
By this time several more bit players, some holding bus tickets have arrived at the bus stop.
Driver “Yes.”
Her (To Him) “Yes”
They both step back and the bit players board the bus. The driver smiles slightly as there is still time to catch the other bus up before it reaches the Harbour. He is about to close the doors when:-
Her “How long does it take?”
Driver “About 45 Minutes.”
Her (to Him) “About 45 minutes.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “How often do they run.”
Driver “ 15 mins.”
Her (to Him)“15 mins.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “What time is the last bus back.”
Driver “ 23.10.”
Her (to Him) “23.10”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ”What is there to see in Brixham.”
Driver “ Lots of pubs, cafes, restaurants and the Harbour with the replica of the Golden Hind.”
Her (to Him) Lots of pubs, cafes, restaurants and the Harbour with the replica of the Golden Hind.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ What’s that?”
Driver, Now finding it difficult to speak as he is trying to bite through the steering wheel, “A replica is an exact copy of the original.”
Her “No the Golden Hind?”
Driver “ Frank some one or other sailed round the world in it in the 16 century.”
Her (to Him)“ Frank some one or other sailed round the world in it in the 16 century.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ We wont bother.”
26 more bit plays have assembled and are waiting to board the bus. As the last one does so an Ambulance with blue flashing lights turns into Union Street. The Driver succeeds in biting through the steering wheel.
but manages to drive away muttering, “When shall we three meet again. In hell hopefully.
Based on a true story.
Some dialog by Will Shakespeare.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen the movie, "Bringing Out The Dead", by Martin Scorcese? It's about a New York ambulance driver, but it is also about dealing with the public under insanely stressful conditions. Any bus driver can relate to it. Of course, it's a movie, so it's way more dramatic than real life. I've hesitated to write a story about bus driving, because so much of it is ordinary and dull, but if you just include the bizarre, funny and frightening stuff, you would have a hell of a story. Let's see, there was the time my friend Jimmy blocked the Golden Gate Bridge after a parolee from San Quentin penitentiary threatened to kill him. There was the time someone explained to me that his girlfriend wasn't going to have to apologize to him... She would have to apologize to Elvis. There was the crazy lady who used to argue with the awful women in the step mirror. There was the man who got on the bus with blood pouring down the front of him and politely explained that he had just been beaten and stabbed and what, exactly was the fare to the hospital? It ain't office work.

Dave said...

Good humour David. Also funny response from Jon. Don't you just love dealing with the public? Especially those who think they are someone important - but aren't?
Cheers, Dave.

Anonymous said...

since when does Torquay contain a blasted heath?

Anonymous said...

double, double, toil and trouble, shelter burn and diesel bubble...pissed as newts and going dogging...yup sounds like our customers all right