Why I love Bus Driving

A Play in Two Acts
Main Player
A Bus Driver
Two Supporting Players
Her
Him
Assorted Bit Players

Scene 1
There are two buses heading into Torquay from Newton Abbot. When both buses reach Torquay Harbour both drivers will go for their meal break. It is vitally important that the front bus gets to the Harbour first as the driver has a piece of equipment required by the relief driver of the second bus. There is heavy slow moving traffic as they approach Union Street at the top of town. The first bus pulls in at the stop where a bit player and Her and Him wait. The driver smiles with some relief as the second bus in now visible in the rear view mirror. The bit player boards the bus and presents a dayrider ticket which the driver conscientiously checks. It is OK and the bit player goes and sits down
Her “Do you go to Brixham?”
Driver “Yes.”
Her (to Him) “It goes to Brixham.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ”How much does it cost?”
Driver “ Single or return?”
Her (to Him) “Single or return?”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ How much is single?”
Driver “£2.80”
Her (to Him) “£2.80.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “Each?”
At this point the next bus has appeared at the top of Union Street.
Driver “Yes, or £4.00 return”
Her (to Him) Yes or £4.00 return.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ” We have OAP passes.”
Driver Gritting teeth “It’s free then.”
Her (to Him) It’s free with our passes.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ They’re from Rotherham.”
At this point the bus behind comes along side but does not stop.
Driver “ Then it is £2.80 single or £3.50 return.”
Her (To Him) £2.80 single or £3.50 return.)
The other bus has now gone past.
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ”So it will be £7.00 for both of us.”
By this time several more bit players, some holding bus tickets have arrived at the bus stop.
Driver “Yes.”
Her (To Him) “Yes”
They both step back and the bit players board the bus. The driver smiles slightly as there is still time to catch the other bus up before it reaches the Harbour. He is about to close the doors when:-
Her “How long does it take?”
Driver “About 45 Minutes.”
Her (to Him) “About 45 minutes.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “How often do they run.”
Driver “ 15 mins.”
Her (to Him)“15 mins.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “What time is the last bus back.”
Driver “ 23.10.”
Her (to Him) “23.10”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her ”What is there to see in Brixham.”
Driver “ Lots of pubs, cafes, restaurants and the Harbour with the replica of the Golden Hind.”
Her (to Him) Lots of pubs, cafes, restaurants and the Harbour with the replica of the Golden Hind.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ What’s that?”
Driver, Now finding it difficult to speak as he is trying to bite through the steering wheel, “A replica is an exact copy of the original.”
Her “No the Golden Hind?”
Driver “ Frank some one or other sailed round the world in it in the 16 century.”
Her (to Him)“ Frank some one or other sailed round the world in it in the 16 century.”
Him (to Her)” Mumble, mumble mumble.”
Her “ We wont bother.”
26 more bit plays have assembled and are waiting to board the bus. As the last one does so an Ambulance with blue flashing lights turns into Union Street. The Driver succeeds in biting through the steering wheel.
but manages to drive away muttering, “When shall we three meet again. In hell hopefully.
Based on a true story.
Some dialog by Will Shakespeare.