Dear Kate and William

So Wills and Kate, you are thinking of having the big do in Westminster Abbey. Come on, guys. Spread the jam about a bit. Your loyal subjects down here in in deepest damp Devon wouldn't mind is you used one of the many churches or even the registry office Torquay has to offer. I even know where there is an empty hotel handy for the sea front you and your entourage could move into for a few days while you were here. Think of the delights we have to offer, you could go for a balloon ride, not as exciting as a helicopter but much safer. (Something a married man has to consider). Once back down to earth you could have a look round Torre Abbey, built in the 11th century and quick glance at the Spanish Barn, used to accommodate 400 Spanish tourists back when the First Elizabeth was on the throne. Next day a bus ride to Brixham ( £4.50 for a day explorer, each that is, were not that generous). A trip round the Golden Hind, the new Fish Quay that everybody loves and maybe a look at Berry Head with stunning views of Torbay and visit the Napoleonic Fort. The council are doing it up at a cost of £0.6 million even though it is practically inaccessible to all but determined dog walkers, your grandmother would love it. Then there is Babbacombe with Bygones, a Victorian Museum followed by a stroll hand in hand round the Modal Village then down to Oddicombe Beach on the Cliff Railway, buy return tickets, much cheaper. On the beach watch out for falling rocks, the cliff down there is unstable but that just adds to the excitement.

For some shopping you could catch a 12 into Torquay. Ask the driver to put you off at Castle Circus so you can walk down Union Street, Torquay's very own Regent Street with many, many shops. Lots of them are closed at the moment but we do expect they will re-open at some time before the next ice age turns up. Try the charity shops by the bus stops, there's quiet of few of them so there is a big choice. Then there are a couple of big shops, try Primark before heading down Fleet Street past the recently to be opening soon Coyote Ugly pub. If it is open, it should be it's been 'Opening soon' for a long time, go in and have a dance on the bar, that's what it's there for. Go on, enjoy yourself. Anyway even if that isn't to your taste head down Fleet Street to the busiest shop in town. No, not Tesco's, not even the Edinburgh Wool Mill. The shop we are after is a bit further down on the right. Just before KFC. That's it, Poundland.

Well, that's just a few of Torquay's attractions. Before you dismiss it from your mind as not really practicable, I mean there is the problem of the Kingskerswell Bye Pass, why don't you pop down and have a look round. Millions of other people have, you might even like the place.

PS Next time you see your grandmother could you ask her to mention the Kingskerswell bye past to that nice Mr Cameron next time he pops over to see her. I believe he does come fairly often nowadays, there's nothing going on there is there? No, of course not, silly me.