Doris

The other day at the NVQ session we all learnt how to deal with passengers ( the company calls them customers. I will try but I have been calling them passengers for a long time now). Not all passengers, just the passengers who need a little extra attention. Those in wheelchairs, blind, deaf, with learning difficulties, etc. Several DVD's were show of the how not to followed by a brief discussion of how badly the driver did followed by DVD of what he should have done. I sure I was not alone in thinking that in future I would give that little extra in making it easier for those who find using a bus difficult.

So to day I went out scanning bus stops as they appeared in the distance for my chance to try out my new found skills and awareness. A white stick, a wheelchair, a hearing aid, anything, even a push chair. No, nothing. Except Doris. The trouble is there were no DVD's of how to deal with Doris. I actually believe the only way to deal with Doris is to give her a tener and tell her, no beg her to take a taxi.

Doris always gets on at Paignton Bus Station and only when you are running 10 mins late on your break trip. She appears round the end of the Station just as you are about to shut the doors and go. She puts her hand out and starts to run. She is now traveling slightly slower than if she had continued to walk and she knows it but she likes to show willing.

She finally makes it to the bus just as some one else arrives from the other side. They had given up getting your bus but now can because Doris appeared. Doris waves them on the bus first, no they say after you. Doris is adamant and waves them on once more. Every braincell that still function is now begging me to shut the doors and GOOOO......................

Finally Doris gets on and asks for a return ticket. "To where?" you foolishly ask. "Back to here." says Doris, smiling sweetly with a touch of pity. Where else would she want to return to. You try again"No. Where are you going to?" Now Doris looks puzzled. She has just told you she wants to come back to here. She is beginning to wonder if this bus driver is a little dim. By now of course you are. Braincells are dying by the million. A last try, "Where will you get of this bus?" Eventually Doris decides she can not play this game any longer and pretends to realize what it is you are after and admits that she is going to Torquay. Maybe it was the grey goo coming out your ears.

You press the right buttons and £2.90 comes up and you ask Doris for two ninty. Now if Doris is feeling kind it is at this point she will produce her half price OAP pass. If not she will go in her hand bag, which is so big that most international air lines would refuse to carry it as hand luggage. From here she will produce a purse. By now the two number twelves behind will have pulled in and out and several existing passengers will be debating whether or not to get off the bus and wait for the next one (due in 7 mins).

From her purse she will produce a £5 note. Almost there. No chance. Doris will then say that she doesn't want to take all my change. This despite, or probably because of the fact that she can see in my cash tray enough change to keep a small African country going for several months. See will now go back in her hand bag and produce an other purse and start to go through her change in what she, me and every who is still left on the bus knows is a vain attempt to find £2.90.

One pound coin, a twenty, a fifty, an other twenty, a ten, two fives. Hope is being reborn. 15 p in copper, an other fifty. Almost there, the posibility of getting under way is close. Ha, more fool you for thinking that. After grubbing round in the corners of her purse and only coming up with one more 5p piece and a two pence piece, Doris, apologizing profusely sweeps the coins back into her purse and re produces the fiver. At last the end is in sight. True it is but there are still mountains to climb yet. You take the fiver, almost burning Doris's finger tips in the process and issue the ticket and offer the change.

Remember the OAP pass I mentioned earlier. Well this is when Doris remembers hers. So you annul the ticket and modify the change and close the doors and set the hazard warning lights and select reverse and look round to make sure it is safe to go and ignore Doris's friend Mable who is banging on the door demanding to be let in. But Doris has not yet sat down. Amoung the few remaining passengers on the bus she has come across an old friend and is standing in the aisle talking to her. Now we learnt on the NVQ course not to move off is there is someone old or infirm still standing, but we are going to make an exception.

As the bus moves off very slowly Doris is heard to say, "Bus drivers these days. Don't give us old people time to sit down. So inconsiderate."

So please, writers of NVQ course, how do I deal with Doris and still stay sane?